Bring it on, Summer!

Summer has officially started here at the Brandel Circus. All three of the kids are out of school now, and we have shifted to what will be the schedule for the next two and a half months.

(I still can't believe Noah is starting kindergarten in the fall.)

We've been getting ready for summer for a while, finding all the fun outdoor toys, stocking up on bubbles and water balloons and getting a new lawn sprinkler. Soon, we'll join the pool, and then the fun really begins!

(I have got to get Wren a better-fitting bike helmet...)

Noah is attending a Kindergarten Readiness camp at the elementary school starting July 1, so in two weeks, my big boy will already be getting on the bus and riding away from here to start his own adventures. Kira will be off to her dad's house for the summer next Friday (boo! We miss her when she's gone!), and Wren and I will probably be at the barn most mornings while Noah is at school. We don't really have any travel plans this summer, what with the horses this summer, and the big trip to Miami last year, and the potential for a Disney vacation next year.

I'm hoping for a July schedule that involves getting to the barn by 8:30 at least three days a week, helping Wren with Gabby (groom, round pen, tack, ride), and then getting in a ride on Champ before heading home to get Noah off the bus at noon. After that, pool time! We'll have to fit in other barn time on the weekends or in the evenings, because Travis has already bemoaned the lack of built-in Turkey time for him. I anticipate much library time, and computer and Wii time, too. Summers are very HOT in Virginia, and I can't say I love being out in the heat of the day.

My kids are predisposed to love books and learning, so I am not too worried about "summer slide", or whatever they are calling it these days, but I am considering making some sight word flashcards for practice with Noah, and getting some math facts cards for Wren. Noah started reading a couple of months ago, and while he is not proficient, he is definitely ahead of his level already, and I'd like to build on that a little.

Somewhere in our schedule, I need to find time to work.

Maybe some day trips will be part of the weekend agenda, maybe we will go camping at the state park near our house. I definitely want to hit the state park's water playground.

I think it's going to be a fun summer.

Promises, Promises

I had my weekly riding lesson today. Since one of my lesson buddies didn't come out to the barn, it was just going to be me and Champ in the ring with my trainer. Knowing that Champ is *spectacularly* difficult when he is alone in the ring, I got the option to ride Promise, a Thoroughbred mare owned by one of the boarders at the barn.

Promise is pretty green, in that she has not had a lot of experience doing things like jumping, or working on the carriage and impulsion for dressage. She flips her head around quite a lot, and is occasionally spooky. But she is willing, and has a good work ethic, although she demonstrated today that she does, in fact, know where the ring gate is. At least she isn't SO pushy about going out the gate when she isn't supposed to.

She's beautiful, too.

She's also a skinnyish horse -- not as broad-backed as some warmbloods I have ridden -- and she is sensitive to leg and seat and hands. The sensitivity is a good thing; I realized that I only have to think about bending, shift my weight in my seat, turn my upper body, look to the next spot, and she is turning in the direction I want her to go. I have to ride with very light hands. My trainer took away my gloves because she thinks it makes me ride heavier in my hands. I hate riding without gloves, and *I* couldn't tell the difference in the weight on the reins, but she said it was better. So I will ride without gloves, then, I guess.

We didn't canter or jump. I spent most of the lesson working her at the walk, bending, bending, bending on the serpentine and 20m circle and figure-8. I feel like I did more work on my riding, and on Promise's way of going than I have in many weeks. We put a standing martingale on her to reinforce the idea that she can't go around with her nose stuck in the air or with the constant flippy-flippy-flippy of the head, and it helped. No real arguing or freaking out or pulling against the martingale, just a 'normal' head carriage, relaxation, and brief moments of being on the aids. I got round circles and bendy bends, and she pointed out to me all the ways in which my seat and hands can be unstable, and how I don't anticipate my ride enough sometimes -- like closing the outside aids to prevent her from falling out of the circle or going toward the ring gate in that particular spot between H and C.

I wasn't scared of her.

And then there's Champ, who I hoped would be my buddy, but I am not sure we still want to do the same things anymore. He's so much fun to jump -- he's the first horse I actually feel like I could practice jumping on without supervision from my trainer, and he loves to do it. I can gallop him and not feel like I am being run away with. He can do 2'6" to 3' and not work too hard, and more importantly, not throw me out of the tack. He doesn't really refuse unless I hold him back and make him refuse. He's not spooky, doesn't buck, and isn't skittish when being worked with on the ground.

We rode briefly on Tuesday evening. He was being a pain about going up to the ring, and so I walked him a bit, then cantered (he didn't even bother with a gallop), jumped an 18" gate fence a few times, and then he made a beeline for the ring gate. Done.

We had had a great lesson last week, and I was hoping maybe that represented a turn of the corner toward a better partnership, but I just don't know.

The offer to half lease Promise is still on the table, but I hesitate. First, because she represents much more horse than Champ. Second, because the lease would be more expensive than what we pay for Champ, and that is problematic. And third, well, what if it doesn't go well? The last time I rode a horse that was considered green, I was terrified. And also 23, and while in better physical shape, most likely, definitely less experienced, so there's that. I wouldn't be riding her at all if I didn't have the skills to do it, and I certainly would not have been offered the lease if my trainer thought I couldn't handle her on my own.

It's frustrating, but I think I am going to hang on to Champ, at least through the summer, and ask if I could ride Promise in lessons periodically. I want to keep the option to ride on days other than lesson days, and if I let go of Champ, I wouldn't have that ability.

It's hard being patient, knowing somewhere out there, the horse situation for me is just waiting for good timing.

Trust Issues and The Path

I barely have time to be writing this post, and I don't have any fabulous pictures to put in it, but I want to capture my morning at the barn, and my lesson on Champ, before I forget it all. If you aren't a horse person, and you aren't following with interest my trials on the road to horsemanship, I won't blame you if you skip this. But as for my ride today...

It.

Was.

FANTASTIC.

I went to my lesson this morning with absolutely NO expectations at all. I didn't expect a fight, but I also didn't expect him to do anything easily, either. I was tired and I was thinking that maybe just an easy time of sitting and walking and maybe some trotting would be fine. Whatever he was going to do, I was fine with that.

Compared to the past month and a half of struggle, today was a ridiculous delight. The weather was calm with a bit of a breeze, and darkly overcast, and slightly cool (low 70's) in advance of the oncoming tropical storm remnants. Champ was quiet and pleasant in the cross-ties while I groomed him. I took extra care for fly spray and ointment on some small wounds, and I gave him treats. We tacked up and although he did his usual "horse statue" maneuver in the driveway up to the ring, we did get there after our lesson buddies walked past him.

In the ring, I could tell he was not best pleased, but he wasn't annoying and he did go ahead and walk and trot. There were two other horses and riders in the ring, after all, so he wasn't alone. We worked on shoulder-in and trotted around the ring and did circles in all the corners. He dirt-biked a lot of the circles, but in keeping with my lack of expectations, I didn't get too upset about it, and only corrected him when it was really crummy.

We galloped. A lot. Multiple turns around my trainer's huge ring. It was exciting and thrilling and FAST. That pony can get up and go when he really wants to.

After that, surprisingly, he was a LOT more attentive and slightly more responsive to my leg.We practiced the weenie World's Most Boring Dressage test (Intro test B), and actually did ok with it. No, the 20m circles weren't as round as I would have liked, no, his bend was not as bendy as it should have been, but his free walk was better, and the last tight turn up the centerline was actually kind of nice, maybe a 6. He halted square, too, but slightly short of X. I'll take it, though.

Then we galloped some more. Around and around the ring, and I even let go of the reins briefly, and then galloped him with my fingers just on the buckle of the reins. He was FAST. I imagined galloping cross-country and letting him jump all those jumps in Intro Novice. There were a couple of moments where I started getting nervous because he was just blasting around the ring, dirt-biking the corners, but he was clearly enjoying himself. My trainer was yelling at me to let go, let go, let him go, and so I did....it was awesome! I galloped with my fingers barely holding onto the reins and with him whipping around the ring like his ass was on fire. I had a few split seconds where I was starting to freak out and get anxious "OMG what if he trips and falls? I'll die at this speed!"....but then I imagined riding cross-country like that, just whipping along and jumping all the fences...and I think just at that moment, I started to trust him.

I have horse trust issues.

I worry that he won't jump, that he'll trip and fall over, that he'll run away with me. He won't. I can handle his speed, whereas one of the little girls who also rides him needs the slow-twist snaffle because with *her*, he will go blasting off, and she can't stay with him.

But I can.

We jumped, five fences on the outside line of the ring, hunter-style. Easy turns and lines, but still something to give me some confidence and some practice, and some focus on my position, letting him get to the fences and jump them himself. It was great. He took a long spot in the two, three-stride fences because I wasn't sitting in the saddle when I should have been, to get him closer to the base of the fence, but I kept my balance, stayed with him, and did not smack him in the mouth or flop on his neck or whatever, as he went over and landed. I found myself thinking I could have my fences a little higher and I'd be ok. Shocking!

Could I really be making progress? Is it possible that I am actually getting better, even though I haven't done what I would consider "sufficient practice" to really improve?

I wish it were easier for me to trust my horse, but maybe I am on the path.

Finally.

Pondering

So, things with Champ haven't been going well, and I have given him a vacation from our partnership. It's been two weeks, and I rode Landie and Promise in my lessons during the time off. I think this week, though, is when I am going to get back together with Champ and see what we can do. I'm planning to do some bareback riding, maybe round-pen or lunge him, and take him out to graze where the good grass is. We'll see how things go. I am adjusting my expectations downward for both Champ and for advancing my riding skills this summer. I think I'll work on my horsemanship, stable management, and helping Wren with Gabby instead, because I want to, and because...well...I don't really have a choice. We haven't won the lottery yet, so no farm of our own, and so I can only do so much in terms of horse-having.

My trainer gave me an option to lease Promise instead, but that would be more money than we are paying for Champ right now, and Promise is so very green. She really needs the work I am sure I could put into her, but I can't afford half the board and farrier PLUS Wren's pony.

I would love to figure out a way to own this place, which just happens to be right next door to our trainer's barn. It's about twice our budget, though, so no chance of that happening, unless we won the lottery or had some wealthy benefactor. My trainer says it would be fantastic to make a cross country course through the woods there, linking with her property's course. I agree.

***********************************************

Today's barn trip was so much fun!
Turkey got a bath and a haircut, and so much love. I think he was happy. I know Travis was happy, and I can't tell you how full my heart is for the man I adore who, just one year ago, was afraid of horses and would have nothing hands-on to do with them. Now, he brings in horses from the field, can tack and groom, bathe, pick feet, and hand-graze them. I am so proud!

Poor Turkey is SO HOT with all that mane and forelock. It's awful. He lives outside 24/7, so making him as comfortable as possible is a good idea. I shaved his face a little, and then started working on roaching his mane, which has nothing to do with nasty insects and everything to do with a good haircut. He has so much hair, I couldn't get it all done in the time we had today, so I will finish up this week and post a picture of the results. After his bath, he just gleamed! He seemed so happy and comfortable! I sprayed him all over with some fly spray, put some fly repellent cream in his ears, and we took him back out to his pasture. He is beautiful.

It really makes me sad that his owners don't come to visit him, or ride him, anymore. I wish we could have him. If we had a farm and didn't have to pay board, we'd take him in a hot minute. Still, it makes me happy that we care for him as we can.

*****************************************

I haven't run for 18 days. I couldn't stand reading the posts from my friends who are all out there exercising and running....the competitive me couldn't take it anymore, and since resting my going-numb-when-I-run feet wasn't doing anything, I took off for two miles this morning. I always know when I haven't been exercising regularly -- I get a little out of breath climbing stairs, I can't hang on to the canter as long on my horse -- but when I haven't been running, WELL...I can tell. I can tell because when I get out there, the fat on my middle-aged ass jiggles and bounces along behind me like ill-fitting saddlebags.

THAT is NOT acceptable. Nor is it attractive. I'm only willing to give in to being middle-aged but so much at this point.

So, I'm back at it, at least until I am told otherwise. Going to keep the daily mileage low -- 2 to 3 miles, max -- until my orthopedist appointment in a few weeks. Then we'll see what I have to work with.

******************************************

Work is eating my soul, and also all the extra time and energy I have to be creative. It sucks, but it's enabling the horse stuff, so it's a catch-22. I haven't been able to make anything of substance in a very long time, and I believe my Muse is about to throw one epic tantrum. I also don't think it's possible to work fewer hours and get the work done on time, so I am stuck. The summer is going to be very, very tricky in terms of getting the volume of work done in the time that I have, given the kids will be home with me most of the time. I see quite a lot of evenings spent in my cubicle at the office, with the cleaning folks. Ugh.

I can't really complain, though. I have a good job, and I think I work for someone who values my work, although it's hard to tell at times.

At any rate, there's a thunderstorm tonight, which means I am putting Wren back to bed over and over until she finally decides to fall asleep. I think I've convinced her to stay in her room, though, so I'm going to grab myself some porch time before it gets too late.

in the middle

I'm feeling very middle-aged lately. My left knee is hurting for some unknown (probably arthritic) reason, and when I go for my usual runs, the toes on both feet, but mostly my left foot, go inexplicably numb. If I don't run, then my feet and legs hurt every morning when I get out of bed, stiff, and crackly.

The battle with my metabolism goes on and on, and I fight my genetics, my love for food, and my occasional periods of total physical inertia. Contrary to popular belief, I don't *like* to run, and I enjoy lounging on the couch with a good book or television as much as I enjoy being active. I run, as I've said before, so I can eat. Biggest cheap exercise bang for the buck, so I feel slightly panicked when I can't run, or fall out of the habit for periods of time.

Horse riding IS exercise, but it doesn't work the same as running. And no, I don't just sit there.

My stamina and strength seem to rise and fall, dependent upon factors that were non-issues even ten years ago -- how much sleep have I gotten, how hard did I work yesterday, what did I eat, did I drink too much last night?

The kids are fabulous, but also demanding. My name is called constantly, there is bickering and attitude and fighting a good portion of the time. It's always so LOUD. Homework needs to be done, grades need to be monitored, and chores are ever-present and necessary, but the adults have to follow behind all the time to make sure things get done. Sometimes It's just easier to do it yourself. The house is a wreck. I want to decorate, to put up curtains and have nice furniture and accessories, but I can't seem to make that happen. Toys and kid stuff are still everywhere. I'm in a constant state of being thisclose to antiques and nice things without the fear of destruction.

Life is easier and more difficult: five schedules, five sets of activities, three school situations, several separate nervous systems all wired in individual manners with separate functionality, but also the ability for some independence and autonomy, for real family fun, and for mobility with fewer encumbrances (no stroller, diaper bag, and other assorted paraphernalia).

There's SO much raw creativity and creative energy pouring out of everyone in the house. It's like living in an artist's colony.

We hang together like a circus with multiple acts, taking turns, but also all going simultaneously. This is how we are, how we are wired, and on the grey days, it's all chaos and cacophony, but on the glorious days, oh!, we LIVE so powerfully and with so much joy!

I worry about getting lost, myself, in the thick forest of my own life. About there not being enough life left to do all the things I really want to try. I feel desperate, sometimes, that time is passing and I am not making the most of all the opportunities that are presented to me, every moment of every day -- to be with my kids, to create, to play and experience, to teach. Am I doing enough? Am I letting them do enough? It's not always possible to tell, while things are still unfolding before you.

And some days, it's hard to remember that I am no longer the targeted demographic for things that don't involve cleaning products or furniture or domestic engineering. I am learning to sink into my roles, to live them as I am and not as I am told to live them.

I care so much less what other people think of who I am, or what I look like, what I wear, eat, create, think, and do.

This is the gift of middle age: the ability to finally reach the top of the hill you've been climbing for decades. About the time you think there are no more destinations, no more goals to reach for or options to choose from, you move past the treeline, and you get a clearer view to the possibilities that you didn't even know were still out there. Now, you can see where you're traveling to, or pick a new destination, because they are all laid out like an endless carpet of prospects. Sometimes the fog rolls in, and the view is obscured, but that never lasts, and if you're patient, the scene becomes visible once more.

Sometimes it's really hard to remember that.

Jump ALL THE THINGS!!

I lifted this from Eventing Nation. 

The "all the things" and the image originally is part of this here by Allie Brosh. Just crediting the funny. ;)

Ok, so it's Mother's Day here in the US. And Travis had already said he didn't really plan anything, and he asked if I wanted to go to brunch at my favorite brunch-place, but I kinda didn't want to eat that much, and I didn't want to take the kids out. They had a tough day yesterday (well, it was a tough parenting day yesterday), and I wasn't up for more shenanigans. So I opted for four pieces of toast with lots of butter, and a great cup of coffee (which I made myself, since I let Travis sleep in). Wren had to go to her lesson in the afternoon anyway, so I didn't want to have to rush home and get barn stuff ready and blah blah blah, you get the idea.

Travis took the kids out in the morning for grocery shopping and left me here, alone. 

In the quiet. 

All by myself. 

It was a glorious hour and a half.

I cut out a new dress pattern (it's been forever since I sewed a garment for myself that was of the current modern time period). Actually, what I cut was the muslin for the bodice fitting I am going to have to do to this dress in order to make it actually, you know, FIT me, but that's beside the point. [insert grumbling about commercial pattern sizing here]

I thought, hey, I will cut this and stitch it together real quick and get started on the fitting, so that maybe by the end of the week, I can have a new dress. And then I realized I would have to move all five of the bicycles that were currently in front of my sewing machines in order to do any stitching. I would put the bikes in the shed, and shift some stuff from the shed to the garage, or someplace. And by the time I shifted the bikes to the shed, everyone would be back home from the store, and I would not be able to do what I had planned. And I gave up and put my stuff away. Bummer.

Yes. My sewing machines are in there someplace. Behind the bikes.

But they came home with a bouquet of roses!

And then we went out to the barn for Wren's lesson. I thought about riding Champ after the lesson, but I opted not to, mostly because I was being grumpy about not being able to sew. 

Wren rode Gabby. Champ was kind of annoying to the little girl who was riding him. I decided to hop on him after the lessons, and while I was completely NOT dressed for the occasion (shorts, sneakers, no sports bra), I found my half chaps and off I went. The ring was a no-go, he was not having any of that, so I took him out back of the barn to the mares' pasture (empty, because everyone was in the barn). I was just going to ride him around the pasture and go back in, but the sun was shining, the breeze was fantastic, and the field was FULL to brimming with bright and happy yellow buttercups. I couldn't resist some trotting, and then I saw the cross-country fences and I thought....hmmm....I wonder if I could just hop him over those teeny Intro level logs. 

Of course I can! Kathy says so. I put my legs on him, and away we went.

Not a moment's hesitation on his part AT ALL. Canter down the little hill, turn left, hop in, hop out, canter up the hill.

Huh. What do you know? Let's do that again!

Trot over, canter downhill, turn left, hop, hop canter....woo! AGAIN!! And let's add the woodpile in the trees at the top of the hill while we're at it!

SO instead we had....canter over, canter downhill (sit back, sit up), turn left (left rein up, relax), hophop, BLAST up the hill to the woodpile and (leglegleg, let the reins slide a little)...JUMP! Canter away!

OMG.   

One more time! Yay! (the last one he kind of jumped me out of the tack a bit, because he took that woodpile with the biggest, roundest jump I have ever felt him do).

Travis saw me jump, but didn't get it on video. Darn.

I did this IN MY SNEAKERS! And shorts! I looked like hell, with my fish-belly-white legs, and beat up old half chaps, but it was SO. MUCH. FUN.

I had to stop so we could get home so Travis could go pick up Kira, and because the saddle fittings were pinching my bare legs, otherwise I'd have jumped more things! I was eyeing the jump made of tires, and the one made of wire spools.....and the little ditch, and the blue barrels.....

Next time. Maybe Tuesday. :)

Recent adventures

Good Lord, there's so much to cover!

I needed to take a break from writing, as I do once in a while, to let things simmer a bit. Sometimes I don't feel like writing about everything, and sometimes, I just can't put into words what I really want to say. Rather than flounder, I wait.

Last month, I went 'home' to my alma mater -- SUNY-Geneseo -- for a dance department alumni reunion. It was terrific to see my professors and some friends, and wander around the campus and town I love so much. I really wish the weather had been better -- it was in the 70's the first day, and dropped to 40's within a 20 minute period. And then it snowed. yeah. As much as I love upstate NY, I don't think I could hack the winters anymore.

Sturges Hall, home of the Speech Pathology Department, and where I spent a lot of time.

 The view down to the College Union, from the gazebo that overlooks the Genesee Valley. The sunsets are incredible from this vantage point. You have no idea. I also spent a lot of time in this spot.

This is the hallway for the Speech Path Department. Clinics, offices, resource room, computer lab, lecture hall. LOTS of time here. Unfortunately, the college president has eliminated this program, so there will be no more degrees granted in Speech Pathology here any longer. A shame, really, since this was one of the highest rated undergrad programs in NY state.

And Emmeline, the Geneseo Bronze Bear. An icon, really. Legend says if a virgin ever graduates from Geneseo, the bear will jump down and run away. There she sits. ;)

My mom and I traveled together, a trip we have made in the past, and it was fun, and hilarious, and just a great experience. I know my mom and I didn't always get along when I was growing up, so it's especially nice to be able to do things like this with her now. Plus, we stayed at her best-friend-from-high-school's house. Sue is a total riot, and we managed to consume WAY more wine than I thought three women could do over the course of three nights. I loved hearing them tell stories about Catholic high school, and growing up in the 60's. Totally cool. Mom and I also did a little touristy sightseeing. We made a pilgrimage to the Rochester Public Library branch downtown. It was a place my mom used to take me when I was a kid, and it's still there, although now the library building is a new building across the street from the old building, which is now the Rochester City Archives. I think that excursion deserves a post of its own sometime soon.

The beautiful front of the old library building. I loved this place. Still do. It embodies everything I think a library should be, and should look like.

I got to see my best friend from college, too, which is always fantastic. We still manage to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other. And being on the campus, well, it's like we could be twenty again, just like that. I really do miss college. Of course, now I see it with the wisdom gained of twenty years, and so if I were to go back, I know exactly how I would do things. I'd do quite a bit the same, but I would change many, many things.

The end of Main Street in Geneseo, where it goes down toward the campus as Court Street. 

30 North Street, where I lived when I was a sophomore.

I celebrated my 43rd birthday when I got home from New York. My wonderful husband arranged for a cannoli cake from Fresh Market, which was incredible. And I got a new camera! A Fuji Finepix S, which I am loving.

Let's see....there was also some riding (badly), and we planted our vegetable garden, and then Wren had her first off-the-farm fancy horse show! She did great, and although it was a LONG day, we had a good time.
But first, there was a LOT of prep work. Wild Wings Gabby is almost completely white and she needed to be spiffy for the show. So there was a bath, and lots of scrubbing on Saturday night.

Noah was the assistant photographer for the day. He did a great job with my old camera.

Getting Gabby ready.

And Wren gets dressed, too. So fabulous!

Walking to the show ring

Kathy and Wren in the show ring!

Noah took this picture.

Hooray! A blue ribbon and a prize!

All the girls at our barn who rode in the show did well, and we brought home a number of ribbons. We were all so SO exhausted by the end of the day, though, and it took me at least til Tuesday to recover.

And that brings me to today. I had a lesson on Champ. It was a gorgeous day, and I had high hopes for a better ride than last time. I rode with the lightest hands possible, and kept my hands together with the reins on his neck. It helped. The steering wasn't working all that well, but when we got to the canter, my trainer told me to canter and let go of the reins. I told her no. I really thought I couldn't do it. I thought there was no way, NONE, that I would stay in the saddle. And I felt like a total loser for not even trying. So I cantered around the ring, and down each long side, I let go. Dropped my reins right on him, and held my arms out to the sides. I was flying! It was the best, the most wonderful smooth canter there ever was. I think maybe I could have ridden that forever. I wish I had.

I was flying.